Monthly Archives: November 2014

Free Fall…

When I was a little girl, perhaps five or so, I climbed onto the couch and then swung my feet over the back of it to climb over it. Once I had my feet dangling over the back, I grew frightened. I had expected my feet to easily touch the floor. When they didn’t, panic set in. I began to cry for help. When help didn’t immediately come, I grew hysterical. I was afraid to let go. I was afraid I’d hurt myself if I simply dropped. My mother came to my rescue. She convinced me to drop. To let go. I didn’t want to. She forced me. My feet had been perhaps an inch from the floor the whole time. I hadn’t trusted my original perception of the whole journey. Fear had taken a hold of me. Disabling me. I realized I had let it get the better of me.

I learned a valuable lesson that day.

One week ago today, I began the break of behavior that had become toxic.

I’m very proud of myself.

In 1999, I quit smoking. That first week was miserable. I remember crying because I wanted a cigarette that bad. My bandmate was perplexed when I told him I wouldn’t smoke even though I wanted to. I knew I would be miserable for a time, but that eventually I would feel better. I charted the experience so I could pragmatically remind myself that quitting an addiction has a logical process.

So this time, I knew going into it I would feel pretty awful. Thankfully, it hasn’t been as bad as quitting cigarettes. Looking back, I had been preparing myself for quite awhile. Some of the time panicked. Some of the time hysterical.
Finally, I knew I just needed to let the last little bit go.

Now I’m on my feet.

I’m going to be fine.

Namaste, my friends,
Sending love wherever it’s needed. 🙂

Love,
Pamela


I am love.

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Love is my right as a child of the universe.

I am worthy of love.
Right now.
At this moment.
Without condition.
Without hesitation.

The only limitation to this love
is my acceptance that it is my universal truth.

I need no no one else’s approval, acceptance, or permission to be loved.

It is already done.

I simply have to believe it,
and love is mine.

The simplest way to experience this love is
to give it.
To be generous with your love.
To give it without judgement.
Without hesitation.
Without fear.

You will find
that the miracle of love is
that it expands within you
as you offer it to others.

You never need to wait for love to come to you.
You are made from love.
You simply have to give love
to be filled with love.

Namaste, my friends.

Love,
Pamela


What I have forgotten since Mike Brown’s Death.

“Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world.
Today I am wise so I want to change myself.” ~Rumi

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In 2014 I moved toward making love my religion. My guide. My only law.

It is a practice. It has to be consciously chosen. Every day. Sometimes every minute. It is a choice made during every interaction I encounter, but only if I am aware.

It is easy for our political leaders to divide us. It is easy for those with an agenda to create fear within us. Sometimes there are real reasons to be afraid. Like during civil unrest.

Sometimes there are times when our problems are so huge, so overwhelming, so on going, we become immobilized.

And love is the last thing that comes to mind as a response.

I have heard and read and seen so much hate, anger, and hurt since Mike Brown’s death, that I forgot about the truth.

The truth is, love is the answer.

I have to turn to love.
When the day and the people are mundane and friendly.
When the day is hard and filled with difficult emotions.
The answer remains the same.

It is love.

For today,
For this moment,
I will express love,
compassion ,
and non-judgement
to all I encounter
and to myself.

And I will know peace.

Namaste, my friends.

Love,
Pamela


I am thankful…

This morning I am thankful.

My daughter is here to share Thanksgiving with me. She and I are very close. Sometimes it doesn’t feel like it, but then she’ll describe a friend with whom she has much in common, and one of those traits will be, “he’s really tight with his mom, too.”

It’s hard not to have a heart swell.

My daughter isn’t one to compliment me. She once or twice alluded to being able to take for granted that I know and understand how much she loves me. I thought that was interesting. Of course, we exchange “I love yous” frequently. But to hear she thinks I’m a good mom, has been rather infrequent.

But when she has expressed it, it has been positively overwhelming.

Twice she has suggested that if someone could just experience my particular form of love, she thought it would fix/heal/help them. Once, very recently. But the first time was when she took a social work class and mentored a teen girl in a foster care facility. The girl was aging out and there was going to be an important meeting between the girl and her social worker regarding whether they could extend her care. She was almost two from finishing high school. To end her care would mean sending her out into the world completely unprepared. My daughter, was extremely concerned about her and asked me to take her. I asked her to tell me why she thought this was important. Essentially she thought this girl deserved to be loved and that my love would be what she needed.

Wow.

I have a few regrets about the way I raised her, but they do not include making sure she knew, and knows, that I love her. That was my number 1 priority: That she knows without any doubt that I love her.

She does.

Happy Thanskgiving, my friends.

Sending love wherever it’s needed. ❤

Love,
Pamela


Some things you must face alone

Staring day 4.
I’m struggling. Not with going back to my addiction, but rather with the feelings it covered up.

Great sorrow.

I needed the added pain of my city in flames, the discovery that so many people I know are bigots, and a fantastic loneliness to break through my walls.

So, here I am raw and tender. Confused and fearful.

I liken it to what it must feel like to the caterpillar as it morphs into it’s winged state.

I know this part is necessary.
It’s just I’ve been so efficient at avoiding it for many years.

Not this time. I’m going to own it.

Namaste.

Love,
Pamela

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Is it too soon to suggest a hug fest?

I made it through day two. It was a rough night in St. Louis. Hurt and anger displayed in a myriad of ways, but you’ll likely only learn of the violent ones on the news. This situation is so big, so over whelming. The kind of night you just want the comfort of a hug.

The next steps in my spiritual journey have been defined. If love is my religion, if nonjudgment is my way of life, then how do I combat violence, oppression, bigotry? How do I face injustice? If I am to turn from the negative and replace with a positive, how do I fight for anything?

It’s easy to be zen while alone on a mountain top, but learning to be zen while with your brothers and sisters of humanity? Now that is accomplishing something.

Sending love where ever it’s needed.

Namaste my friends.

Love,
Pamela

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The Second Day.

Day two! Freedom is my goal. Freedom from my own imprisonment. My own limitations. I seek to treat myself with tenderest of kindness and consideration. When I say the best way to show me you love me, I mean it for myself as well.

Yesterday was difficult. Not because I wanted partake of my addiction, but because I am struggling with some hurt and confusion. Add to that, I live in St. Louis and I’m learning I know a lot of prejudice people. It has surprised and alarmed me. Discouraged me and angered me. I’m learning that reconciling my wish to be a loving person, to let love be my guild, does not fit in with someone who is perpetuating hate. This is my next goal. To learn what Ghandi, Jesus, Martin Luther King, Jr., Mother Teresa and others did to retain their connection to love, but also defiantly rejected injustice.

Turn from the negative. Replace with a positive.

Namaste,
Pamela 🙂