My skin is too tight.

I’m so damned uncomfortable. 

When I was uncomfortable as a little girl, my father would ask me, ” Is your skin too tight?” Oddly, I never had to ask him what this meant. 

My skin is too tight. 

It’s funny. I’ve spent two and a half years reinventing myself, learning new things, trying new things, and getting out of my comfort zone. I’ve performed my original music, booked gigs, spent a summer drawing caricatures, street performing, going back to college. 

I jumped off a 150 foot tower. (Yes, I’d do it again.)

And yet, I can’t quantify any of this. I don’t know if I’m a bettered person for any of it. God, I hope so. 

Why these efforts? Drawing caricatures? To become better at rendering a likeness quickly. It helped. Street performing? To develop my original music and to collect a few dollars. I’m not sure this was a good experience but the songs did settle quite a bit. One of them has won two contests. That certainly is affirming. I admit, I dislike performing alone. The goal of college was to access their video equipment for my film. I learned I need to learn a lot more before I can shoot the film I want. This part is disappointing. I thought I’d have this film done long ago. Or at least shot. In the mean time, I’ve started to seek a degree. I love school. I love learning. I have been a sponge. However seeking a degree has been a huge distraction from my original goals. I’m not sure I want to pursue a degree. I don’t know. I’m almost half way through it, so it hardly seems like I shouldn’t see it through. I just don’t know if I can financially manage another year. It has been difficult in this way. 

But the part of the last couple of years that has derailed me more than anything is losing my step mother and one of my dreams. Few things will bring you to your knees faster than loss. It shakes your core. It changes the future. It can leave you wondering what you’re working so hard for. It gets you asking what the point is.

So, what I’m actually saying is, after 2.5 years of this, I’ve only just now gotten out of my comfort zone. 

Namaste, my friends.

Love,

Pamela

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About PamelaDevine

Pamela Devine is a singer songwriter, fine artist, and filmmaker. View all posts by PamelaDevine

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