I am a coward.
I’ve done a lot of things over the past almost three years that could be seen as fearless, and lord knows I’ve bragged about a lot of them as such, but the truth is, they were only mildly or temporarily getting me out of my comfort zone. A moment of bravery can be conjured up by anyone with the right motivation.
The truth is, the things I’ve claimed I’ve wanted always stay just a bit out of reach for me. There’s always an excuse. I can’t do this, till I’ve done that. I can’t have this, till I achieved that. As far as career achievements, I really only want to make enough money to be comfortable and to do some philanthropic work. Beyond that, there’s only one thing that really matters to me. I think I’ve always been honest about this, is that I want to give and receive love.
I practice this very vigilantly. Where I am failing is in romantic love. I want it, I do….and yet, I use a ghost as an excuse to push another away. This is an area of behavior I am having a difficult time self analyzing.
All I can label it as is fear.
Fear makes up excuses. It wiggles out of situations. It takes the back door in. It fights like an animal if cornered. It can take up with pride and let someone walk away without a fight. Fear can make you hide in the corner.
Fear might do more damage than anything in this world.
I will fight fearlessly for a cause, or for another, but I can not do it for my own heart.
I’m afraid of getting hurt. Plain and simple.
I’m a coward.