Tag Archives: goals

I am love.



A look back on lessons learned. 

I’ve learned a lot about myself over the last couple of years. 

I’ve learned I have a well spring of patience that I didn’t know I had. I am a very loyal person. I’m devoted. 

I’ve learned I can love people at a distance. That my love is infinite and can be, and is, projected any where in the world, at anytime. 

I’ve learned the more love I dispense, the more love I have. I can dispense love to everyone I meet. I don’t have to judge whether they are worthy of it. In fact, by suspending judgment, I liberate myself: of deliberation, of guessing, of theorizing, of surmising. All that analysis, is not energy well spent. It is an effort at control, but it’s also an excuse. An excuse to not proceed. To stop moving forward. To avoid love. 

I’m learning. 

Namaste, my friends.



Where’s my playful? 

Direction from my former figure drawing professor from last semester is flowing through my head today. 

He said to me many times, “Be playful.” “Have fun.” “Enjoy yourself.” 

I came close to enjoying drawing, but I can’t find my way back to that. Back to the time when creating was fun. It hasn’t been fun. Not with music, with writing, or with art. It feels like a painful exercise. All of it. 

If I look back to when this started, I would say when I started setting goals. I think what has happened is I’m looking to the day when my goals will have come to fruition and I’m putting all kinds of pressure on myself. When you’re only looking at what you have yet to finish, it’s almost impossible to enjoy now. This is a bit of a trap. 

This will be the next thing I explore. I have to have goals set up, it’s a lot like a recipe. It gives me the next step I need to take when I don’t have time to think. However! I need to have fun now too. Otherwise, I’m wishing my life away waiting for my life to start. 

Namaste, my friends.



The Habit…

For a year now, I have gotten myself into a habit. Acquiring new habits that I need to later break, are not my goal. Tomorrow, I will go through the process of breaking this habit.

Here’s what I’ve learned from empty nest syndrome and quitting smoking:

I will feel miserable for a while.

Smoking was really bad for the first week. Crappy for about a month and it was literally 10 years before I felt like there was not still a void. Not enough to pick one back up, it’s just that I never found a replacement that did what cigarettes did. As far as empty nest went, that was really awful. I was in state of tears for about 6 months. I was very worried about my future. I was patient with myself though, because as a single mom, I knew going in it would be hard. But knowing and actually going through something are two different things.

Breaking this habit will not be easy. It’s a battle of head vs heart, so I have to look at this pragmatically and make a plan for when my heart starts to waver.

So, here’s the plan:

I understand I will feel bad for a while. Lost. Without focus. This will pass. This will flare up again. This cycling may happen 50 times the first day or it may not start till a week later.

During these moments, I will acknowledge how I feel, allow myself those feelings for a limited amount of time, then I will pull out a list of positive affirmations that I will have at the ready for exactly for this purpose.

When I have a negative thought about how I got into this habit, I will stop myself and replace it with a positive affirmation.

When I am tempted to involve myself in the habit, I will have a list of things to do instead.

I know that not only can I break my habit, I will break my habit. I also know it won’t be easy and It’s okay to feel uncomfortable.

There’s freedom on the other side.



Happy Anniversary!


Today marks one year since I began my Soul Flight.

My Soul Flight is my name for my midlife crisis. I don’t like the term “crisis,” as it denotes catastrophe. It is only catastrophic when one does not use this energy constructively. I actually watched a man die from the choices he made during his midlife crisis. Perhaps his whole life’s purpose was to provide a lesson on how not to have a midlife crisis. I learned from the chaos he created.

One year ago today, I was obese. I was inches away from type ll diabetes. I fiercely did not want to add another medication to the high blood pressure meds I was taking. Each had side effects that were messing with my life. Adding yet another pill was not something I was willing to do. And truth be told, I knew I could not continue to live that way. I was 6 months from turning 50. And it hit me. I might actually live another 30 years. If I do, what kind of quality of life do I want? I made a decision then and there to politely decline the process of aging gracefully. I’m going down kicking and screaming!

On this day a year ago, I said to myself, I’m going to the grocery store and I’m only going to buy items with a low carb count. After picking up and looking at every label of a hundred or more items, a realization I had been avoiding sunk in. I was going to have to give up simple carbs. It meant no wheat, no pasta, no potatoes, no refined sugar. Later, I would dairy to the list. Very quickly, it became easier to say what I was willing to eat than what I was unwilling.

A month later, I added daily exercise. In it, I found an athlete. A sporty girl. A strong girl. A focused girl, a beautiful girl, a sensuous woman. In it, I found catharsis, meditation, drive, the dissipation of worry, fretting, the spiraling of depression. If I had started this alone, I would have vastly improved my life.

At the same time I learned to set goals, focus on them, and work toward their manifestation. These simple steps should be taught in school. I would be a different person today had I learned this in early adulthood.

I lost weight rapidly. In the first 6 months I lost 100 pounds. Over the last 6, I’ve lost 20. This is on top of the 20 I had lost since 2010. In total, I’ve lost 140 pounds. I’m proud of that. I don’t chastise myself for the slowing of my loss over the last 6 months. There’s a reason this last 20 was so slow. There is an emotional aspect to the weight I’ve worn. I don’t fully understand it, but I liken it to a suit of armor. I needed to replace the literal thickness of my armor to the lighter yet denser wall of muscle. I needed to get use to becoming visible again. I needed work through this last 20 with love and patience.

I have 40 more to go.

This next year I will see the fruition of years of hard work, worldwide travel, and success that I have made happen.

It started because I believed in my future me. I want to make a beautiful life and future for myself.

This has been an amazing year.