Effort
Failure
Effort
Failure
Effort
Failure
Effort
Failure
Effort
Exhaustion
Effort
Failure
Effort
Confusion
Effort
Failure
Effort
Frustration
Effort
Failure
Effort
Depression
Effort
Nothing
Monthly Archives: February 2015
Lacking words
My stepmother passed on Thursday.
I have quite literally been at a loss for words.
All I know, really understand, is what I don’t have.
What is leaving a gapping hole in my life and heart right now.
I know I don’t want to be alone while waiting to hear someone has died.
There is no lonelier feeling I can think of.
In fact, I know that I never ever want to sit by the phone waiting to hear someone has died, ever again. I will be next to that person instead.
I know I don’t want to spend the rest of my life without my life partner.
If we’ve live long enough, and love during that time, none of us will escape losing someone we love. It’s part of the participation of life.
It doesn’t seem fair at the moment.
Namaste, my friends.
Love,
Pamela
Under the roof
One of my first jobs in St. Louis was as a receptionist for a shady insurance company. There was a manager there who was an absolute jerk to everyone there. Rude, snarky, demeaning. I tried my best to avoid him. Then the office manager said she and her husband socialized with this man and his wife. She revealed that he was sweet and gentle when he was with his wife. I couldn’t believe it.
Over the years I’ve adopted his motto. If you’re going to be sweet and kind to anyone, it should be the ones that you live with.
After all, you live with them.
It only makes sense that you want everyone under the same roof to be happy together.
Namaste, my friends.
Love,
Pamela
Understanding.
My stepmother came to live with our family when I was 9, I think. My dad and stepmother married when I was 10. We didn’t really get along. It took many years to understand all of that. And over the last 15 years or so, I’ve come to a place of comfort with her, with us.
And even though it was clear she was not my mother, she was my mother figure and I love her.
Today, she going into hospice. She is comfortable and she is leaving.
This begins a chapter I have done a very good job in deferring.
Sending love to wherever it’s needed.
Love,
Pamela
Alone?
Not long ago, my friend Pablo asked me if I like to spend a lot of time alone. I remember being a bit surprised by the question. I suppose because I never consider that people are considering me.
I do spend a lot of time alone.
I answered yes. That I did.
I have an answer for why. I’m an outgoing introvert. I’m not shy. I can talk to anyone, really. It’s just that I take on the energy of people around me. I tend to need to “recharge” after being around people all day. When I’m lonely, I don’t stay there.
It seems like a dichotomy to perform or want to perform in front of others, yet needing to be away from people.
I think I do feel now and then I spend too much time alone. Then I make plans to be with my friends. I’m usually better for it.
Namaste, my friends.
Love,
Pamela
How to do hope.
One way to have hope…
Fill your heart with love.
Keep it full.
How can you do that when
People are rude
And angry
And jealous
And greedy
And political…
It’s easy.
Just give love to everyone.
Without judgement.
Without expectation.
You get to decide how you give it.
Is it a kind jesture?
A smile?
A complement?
A hug?
A favor?
A hand?
You decide.
I’ll tell you what, a smile goes a long way…
The amazing thing about giving love is it fills you up.
It gives you more than hope. It gives you life.
Namaste, my friends.
Love,
Pamela
Learning, growing, feeling
I have so many thoughts rolling through my head. I’m learning much about the brain. Really digging my professors. Feeling perplexed how I will get everything I want done. Feeling stronger than I have in a while.
When I turn to love, I am whole.
When life is busy, when it’s filled with new learning, new challenges, new growth, new emergences, new perspectives, sometimes is easy to get scared and want to run back to old patterns of coping. They don’t work.
They never have.
Two areas I need to work on immediately:
Getting the items in my home down to the bare necessities.
And finish losing my weight.
My projects that will be completed this year are my movie and my album, which is the sound track for the film.
I’m on my way.
I hope you’re on your way, too. 🙂
Namaste, my friends.
Love,
Pamela
I am
I am.
I breathe.
I hear.
I feel.
I hurt.
I am.
I think.
I know.
I see.
I wait.
I am.
I love.
I need.
I want.
I grieve.
I am.
I’m strong.
I’m fragile.
I’m fearless.
I’m feared.
I am.
I’m a woman.
I’m a child.
I’m endless.
I’m free.
I am.
Tom Jones, the Grammys, and the Thrift Store TV
Gosh, the Grammys are bringing out the worst in my Facebook friends. When they started dissing Tom Jones, that’s where I draw the line. I loves me some Tom Jones. True story. 🙂
I understand how they feel. I haven’t watched the Grammys in many years. Every year, and I mean every year, I get a little disgusted at who wins. I realized this when one year I was being a bit pushy about watching it and my daughter told me I always turn it off part way through. While I had no memory of doing that every year, I believed her. She was mostly always right. And there was always a point when I guess I became overcome with jealousy that I had to stop watching. It’s not an emotion I’ve had too many times in my life. Even now it isn’t often. But when I do, it is the worst feeling.
BUT! That’s not why I’m not watching the Grammys tonight. I’m not watching it, because a year ago in January my thrift store TV died and I’ve decided not to replace it. I really didn’t watch much TV. If there’s ever a time I want to watch a show, I’ll call a friend.
My life has much improved without it.
#relievestressbygettingridofyourtv
Namaste, my friends.
Love,
Pamela
Pamela Devine 