Under the roof

One of my first jobs in St. Louis was as a receptionist for a shady insurance company. There was a manager there who was an absolute jerk to everyone there. Rude, snarky, demeaning. I tried my best to avoid him. Then the office manager said she and her husband socialized with this man and his wife. She revealed that he was sweet and gentle when he was with his wife. I couldn’t believe it.

Over the years I’ve adopted his motto. If you’re going to be sweet and kind to anyone, it should be the ones that you live with.

After all, you live with them.

It only makes sense that you want everyone under the same roof to be happy together.

Namaste, my friends.

Love,
Pamela

Alone?

Not long ago, my friend Pablo asked me if I like to spend a lot of time alone. I remember being a bit surprised by the question. I suppose because I never consider that people are considering me.

I do spend a lot of time alone.

I answered yes. That I did.

I have an answer for why. I’m an outgoing introvert. I’m not shy. I can talk to anyone, really. It’s just that I take on the energy of people around me. I tend to need to “recharge” after being around people all day. When I’m lonely, I don’t stay there.

It seems like a dichotomy to perform or want to perform in front of others, yet needing to be away from people.

I think I do feel now and then I spend too much time alone. Then I make plans to be with my friends. I’m usually better for it.

Namaste, my friends.

Love,
Pamela

How to do hope.

One way to have hope…
Fill your heart with love.
Keep it full.

How can you do that when
People are rude
And angry
And jealous
And greedy
And political…

It’s easy.

Just give love to everyone.
Without judgement.
Without expectation.

You get to decide how you give it.
Is it a kind jesture?
A smile?
A complement?
A hug?
A favor?
A hand?

You decide.

I’ll tell you what, a smile goes a long way…

The amazing thing about giving love is it fills you up.
It gives you more than hope. It gives you life.

Namaste, my friends.

Love,
Pamela

Learning, growing, feeling

I have so many thoughts rolling through my head. I’m learning much about the brain. Really digging my professors. Feeling perplexed how I will get everything I want done. Feeling stronger than I have in a while.

When I turn to love, I am whole.

When life is busy, when it’s filled with new learning, new challenges, new growth, new emergences, new perspectives, sometimes is easy to get scared and want to run back to old patterns of coping. They don’t work.
They never have.

Two areas I need to work on immediately:
Getting the items in my home down to the bare necessities.
And finish losing my weight.

My projects that will be completed this year are my movie and my album, which is the sound track for the film.

I’m on my way.

I hope you’re on your way, too. 🙂

Namaste, my friends.

Love,
Pamela

I am

I am.

I breathe.
I hear.
I feel.
I hurt.

I am.

I think.
I know.
I see.
I wait.

I am.

I love.
I need.
I want.
I grieve.

I am.

I’m strong.
I’m fragile.
I’m fearless.
I’m feared.

I am.

I’m a woman.
I’m a child.
I’m endless.
I’m free.

I am.

Me and my date for the night.

Exciting Saturday night. 🙂

I have a date with a text book.
Neurons and the development of psychology.

The last few days have been a practice in letting go.
Mourning the loss of a dream, the loss of a future
plan/hope/desire has been as difficult as the loss it’s self.

My goal is to stop the spiral before I get too deep.
To take care of myself by eating well and exercising.
To keep moving and getting my work done.

I need to stop looking for answers.
There just aren’t any.

Namaste, my friends.

Love,
Pamela

Admire

Words are rolling through my head tonight.
Causing anguish. Causing suffering.
I can’t put them together for them to make sense.
Those damn words.
Used against me, twice.

Admire.

Or the lack of it.

Used against me twice.

I’m so weary.

I have to let go. Feel the sadness. The anger. The loss.

I don’t know how to do it…

I need to learn…

Namaste, my friends.

Love,
Pamela

Love is

Love is.

It ebbs and it flows.
It soars between hearts.
When we feel it’s presence
It pulls us to it.
When fear sets in
we repel from it.

Love fills us any way.
It does it’s dance
between heart and mind from soul to soul
between heart to heart.

And we know
That’s all there is.

Love is.

Namaste, my friends.

Love,
Pamela

My struggle.

I notice when I am in emotional pain, I am very selfish. I can see nothing but my own pain. What’s more alarming is, I can’t see past it. When you’re in pain and you can’t see past it, you lose hope. It is the very definition of misery.

I’m grieving the loss of a dream. Not just any dream. The dream. The one I never knew I wanted. The one I was so sure, so positive was going to come to fruition. I suppose I’m in a state of shock. At least disbelief. On top of that, I realize I’ve been deferring the end of this dream for literally years now. I suppose it’s simply denial.

The other thing I’m struggling with is my spirituality. I’m not feeling love for anyone, especially myself.

I’m struggling with accepting that. I can’t see my future without my dream. All of projects don’t matter much. I grieve.

Namaste, my friends.

Love,
Pamela

The HUGE new vaccination debate.

First let me say, I do not want to live in a world without vaccines or antibiotics. If we did, many of us would not live long or suffer a long painful healing process.

That being said, there is a pro-vaccination campaign of great magnitude going on right now that is very contrived. Why do I say that? Two reasons. The first is because I’m hearing the same type of speech over and over. The shaming and the scare tactics are a push to get us to be obedient. That means it’s being scripted. Secondly, there is a “me vs they” component to the rhetoric. Today, I saw an article that declared, “have them arrested” in regard to those who choose not to vaccinate. Who exactly will they be arresting? The parents of ill children? Are they asking the family physician to tell law enforcement on them? Or is the author just interested in being controversial so you read his article?

The idea that all vaccines are weighted in the same way troubles me. The best physician I ever had was my daughter’s pediatrician. He retired when she was 12. It was a huge loss to our family. He was honest about everything. He gave me a boat load of information about vaccines, including which ones were vital and which were optional. And there are optional ones, folks. Although you wouldn’t know it based on what we’re hearing today.

This very hard push has me wondering who is behind it?

I don’t know, but it feels like two things:
1. Big pharma is pushing back against disobedient citizens (clearly the number of those who have opted out has grown to a level that has effected their profits.)
2. This feels like another topic to get us divided. Get us fighting amongst ourselves. Then we’re so preoccupied they can do what ever they want.

Again, I don’t want to live in a world without vaccines. But the minute you try to shove all of them down my throat as though each has the same importance as the next, you lose me and I question your motives.

Namaste, my friends.

Love,
Pamela