Validated, acknowledged, loved, reflected.

The concept of talking to someone about your pain, struggles, confusion, perception – is an interesting one. Why do we need to be heard this way? Perhaps, we hope the other will say you have every reason to feel as you do. Validated. We need to know we are aren’t alone, both in the way we feel and literally. Acknowledged. The idea that the journey will not have to be traveled without any like-minded companions. Loved. Maybe it’s also to hear the thoughts spoken so they come out of your mind and back in through your ears, this time with the response of the other person listening. Then your listener can mirror your words back to you. Reflected.

What ever specifically it is, over-all it is a release. This release happens when another is there to witness it.

Writing can often offer a similar catharsis. This is immeasurably invaluable when there is no one available to listen. It is so effective, it can become a way to avoid being social and connecting with another in a trusting and intimate way. 

Perhaps you can relate, dear writer. 🙂 

The time has come for me to talk to another. I believe it will be invaluable. 

Namaste, my friend. 

Love,

Pamela

The man is a boy. A haiku. #minipoem

  

Father’s Day

On Father’s Day, I never feel I can say enough, or give enough, to my dad. First, like many fathers he needs, nor wants, anything. If you give him chocolate, he’ll eat too much, as we all do, and it will give him a round of pain in his foot. If you give him a book, he’ll tell you he could have borrowed it from the library. A restaurant gift card? He’ll happily tuck it in his wallet and then spend it on you the next time you’re having dinner together. So, like other years, my gift to my father are words.

My father has presented me with something of a dilemma. You know we choose our partner in life based on the traits of our parents. He has given me a near impossible ideal to look for in a partner.

For example, my father enjoys conversation. I have found most men endure it. They tolerate it. My dad and I can talk for 2 hours and only stop because we recognize it has become excessive. Because my dad bonds with people by talking with them, I thought men did this. They don’t. At least not the men I’ve met so far.

Another is my father is never mean. Not even when he’s really pissed. And I have seen him really pissed. (It’s usually something I’ve said…) I’ve learned and tried to follow his method of anger management because, disagreements turn out better, far better, with his method. I have not met a man who isn’t mean when he’s feeling threatened in some way.

How about this one? His sense of fairness. He can discern what is fair and from that analysis, implement that assessment unwaveringly.

And this? Intelligence. He is always learning. He’ll hear about a thing and it will pique his curiosity. When I was a kid, he’d get the encyclopedia. Now, it’s the internet. He questions everything fed to him. This is an important thing to teach children.

Patient. He is very patient. I’ve tested him thoroughly regarding this. 😊

He is loving. I wish I had a count on how many, “I love yous” have been exchanged between us over the years.

Kind. My father is a kind man. A gentle giant. Maybe it was that he was his full height of 6’2″ by the time he was thirteen that helped with this. All of my friends were intimidated by him because of his height, but liked him after a few conversations.

It just recently occurred to me he set up an impossible ideal. When people ask me why I’m so particular, this is why.

To my amazing father, let’s add another to the count.
I love you.

The Accumulative Effect

I’m thinking about the accumulative effect tonight. 

Here’s the thing: the thing is uncomfortable. Like a pebble in your shoe. By you know, it’s just a pebble.

No big whup.

Maybe the thing is like the straw that broke the camel’s back. Maybe the thing is like the butterfly effect. Ripple effect. The domino effect. 

After a day with that pebble in your shoe, your foot is going to suffer some damage. If you’re lucky, you’ll yell an explitive, stop, kick off your shoe, and pick it up and pour that pebble out of it, before, say, your foot has an infected festering wound. 

The accumulative effect is that idea that things build. They can be either positive or negative. In either, the next builds upon the former. Individually, the thing means little. But together, it’s bigger than the sum of its parts. Think body heat. 

This can be applied positively or negatively. If the thing is a pebble in your shoe, stop and get that thing the hell out of there. 

If it’s one step in a thousand, keep going. 

Namaste, my friends.

Love,

Pamela

P.S. I forgot the snow ball effect.

pondering

I can sit with a problem and ponder it for a ridiculously long time. I’ll pick it up and look at it from every angle.  When I finally have an answer, it’s usually a lightening strike. 

I’ve been spending this year struggling with my screenplay. My stumbling block has not been the story or character development. It hasn’t been the songs or the way the scenes will be shot. 

It’s been the placement of the songs. This is not a musical. It can’t be stopped so I can break out into song. Oh, God. No. 

But I just had a “duh” moment. Almost none of the song placement matters at this stage. Most of it can be decided post production. Of the songs where it can’t, I already know how it will play out. 

Now I can proceed with writing. Out of my head, onto paper, so to speak…

The peculiarities of the unexpected obstacle…

🙂

Where’s my playful?

Direction from my former figure drawing professor from last semester is flowing through my head today. 

He said to me many times, “Be playful.” “Have fun.” “Enjoy yourself.” 

I came close to enjoying drawing, but I can’t find my way back to that. Back to the time when creating was fun. It hasn’t been fun. Not with music, with writing, or with art. It feels like a painful exercise. All of it. 

If I look back to when this started, I would say when I started setting goals. I think what has happened is I’m looking to the day when my goals will have come to fruition and I’m putting all kinds of pressure on myself. When you’re only looking at what you have yet to finish, it’s almost impossible to enjoy now. This is a bit of a trap. 

This will be the next thing I explore. I have to have goals set up, it’s a lot like a recipe. It gives me the next step I need to take when I don’t have time to think. However! I need to have fun now too. Otherwise, I’m wishing my life away waiting for my life to start. 

Namaste, my friends.

Love,

Pamela

Alone?

Not long ago, my friend Pablo asked me if I like to spend a lot of time alone. I remember being a bit surprised by the question. I suppose because I never consider that people are considering me.

I do spend a lot of time alone.

I answered yes. That I did.

I have an answer for why. I’m an outgoing introvert. I’m not shy. I can talk to anyone, really. It’s just that I take on the energy of people around me. I tend to need to “recharge” after being around people all day. When I’m lonely, I don’t stay there.

It seems like a dichotomy to perform or want to perform in front of others, yet needing to be away from people.

I think I do feel now and then I spend too much time alone. Then I make plans to be with my friends. I’m usually better for it.

Namaste, my friends.

Love,
Pamela

How to do hope.

One way to have hope…
Fill your heart with love.
Keep it full.

How can you do that when
People are rude
And angry
And jealous
And greedy
And political…

It’s easy.

Just give love to everyone.
Without judgement.
Without expectation.

You get to decide how you give it.
Is it a kind jesture?
A smile?
A complement?
A hug?
A favor?
A hand?

You decide.

I’ll tell you what, a smile goes a long way…

The amazing thing about giving love is it fills you up.
It gives you more than hope. It gives you life.

Namaste, my friends.

Love,
Pamela

Me and my date for the night.

Exciting Saturday night. 🙂

I have a date with a text book.
Neurons and the development of psychology.

The last few days have been a practice in letting go.
Mourning the loss of a dream, the loss of a future
plan/hope/desire has been as difficult as the loss it’s self.

My goal is to stop the spiral before I get too deep.
To take care of myself by eating well and exercising.
To keep moving and getting my work done.

I need to stop looking for answers.
There just aren’t any.

Namaste, my friends.

Love,
Pamela

Admire

Words are rolling through my head tonight.
Causing anguish. Causing suffering.
I can’t put them together for them to make sense.
Those damn words.
Used against me, twice.

Admire.

Or the lack of it.

Used against me twice.

I’m so weary.

I have to let go. Feel the sadness. The anger. The loss.

I don’t know how to do it…

I need to learn…

Namaste, my friends.

Love,
Pamela